is the only way to describe my life at the moment & the reason I haven't posted in a while!
I apologise for being away so long lovers but life, as you know, gets hectic and I just have found it difficult to find the time!
Between family, Bali (and the emotional roller coaster of that trip) coming home and looking for a job it's been absolute craziness......
So to make amends - all be it slightly - I've posted some pics of me stripped and bare! Ok so I'm not showing anything but it's certainly how I feel about this site and my life in general!
As Christina says
I've waited a long time for this
It feels right now
Allow me to introduce myself
I want you to come a little closer
I'd like you to get to know me a little bit better
Meet the real me sorry you can't define me
Sorry I break the mold
Sorry that I speak my mind
Sorry don't do what I'm told
Sorry if I don't fake it
Sorry I come too real
I will never hide what I really feel huh, so here it is
No hype, no gloss, no pretense
To say I've been struggling the past few weeks would be an understatement! Mother's Day and all that entails really snuck up behind me and whacked me from behind!
Life can fuck you up big time and trying to continue can feel hopeless. I have been dealing with demons and that's exhausting in itself. But when your daughter comes home and talks about her friends mum that has to give birth to her dead baby it kicks you in the guts again!
I had the overwhelming urge to reach out to that mother. Let her know I'm there for her whenever and whatever she needs! Now or anytime in the future - to talk, kick, scream - whatever! And I did! Star compelled it! I needed to let her know she wasn't alone as others had done for me. For I too have walked that most horrid of paths! I will always walk this path! The path that no parent wants to even think about - the path of a bereaved parent!
You see parents who have lost a child are on a horrendous ride - a ride we never chose and one we can never leave! We never wanted any of this but here we are - stuck on a never ending cycle of child loss, despair, hate, hell, love - the emotions are endless and recurring! The future we had seen and hoped for with our child is no longer! All our dreams shattered & scattered on the wind!
Some days we are doing well just to get out of bed! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy though if it would bring my beautiful daughter back I'd swap in an instant!
So this week I leave you with a few words I've written over the past 16 months. My thoughts & feelings on the death of my gorgeous girl. The pain is endless and will continue until I'm with her again. I will talk on this subject often for I am forever changed - I am a warrior mumma! My love goes beyond this world and into the next - eternal love for Star Dawn ⭐️
You came to me in a dream last night
I heard you loud and clear
The reason I miss you so much
Is the strongest love my dear
No great love will there ever be
Than a mothers for her child
It crosses over time & space
Wilderness and wild
I try very hard to hold you close
I'll remember the good always
I don't want you to hurt either
When you see I have bad days
So I'll wait for your signs
And your messages
To tell me what to do
And long for the day
When it's my time
So I can be with you
- LGP @rebelgoddessart
How to join you
Let me count the ways
Cut so deep
Set me free
Or walk out far
Into the sea
Constrict the air
No longer breathe
A canon full of lead
Pointed at my head
One pill too many
Then I'll see
Your smiling face
Arms waiting for me
Breath your last
I no longer value
It's too hard
It's hell you see
- LGP @rebelgoddessart
Why are some of us
Destined to lose so much
While others breeze through life
Without being touched
If only pain
Could be extracted
Like a tooth
Like an infected thorn
have I said why me
I always accepted
But not this time
I would gladly exchange
My place with another's
It's no shame
To say I would give
To have my Star
Here on earth
With me again
- LGP @rebelgoddessart
Mothers Day Part 1
I really don't know where to start with this day of celebration. A day that originally was started to celebrate the mother goddess, but for some of us, this day just brings tears and pain.
My mother was my first friend, my greatest ally and my worst enemy! She was my rock and my confident as I grew older and I realised she was wiser than I thought at 15 years old. Don't worry I also wished death upon her at times when she wouldn't allow me to go to the show or see a particular boy she knew wasn't good for me - aaaahhhh I still love the bad boys haha! She supported me through everything and, of course, only wanted the best for me like most mothers but I thought she just didn't want me to have any fun!
My beautiful, wonderful mum was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma at the start of 1993. She had been feeling very tired towards the end of 1992 but just put it down to a very busy year. I had married in September, she had turned 50 in October and my baby brother had his 21st in November of that year so it was full on!
My dad had also put extra into his superannuation and had retired in 1992 - 10 years early! They were going to travel and enjoy their lives after working so hard for all those years. They went to Pambula in January but mum collapsed on the beach and dad had to drive her all the way home to see her doctor. She promptly sent her to the hospital and a series of tests began!
When the diagnosis came through we were told it was a treatable cancer. Chemo etc followed and mum struggled. In and out of hospital it really is a blur for me. Dad was fantastic as her carer and we felt thankful he had paid for early retirement so he could look after mum, though their travel plans had to wait, the outlook was very positive.
I found out I was pregnant May/June after having a miscarriage- fuck I hate that word - in the December prior (that's another blog to come) We were ecstatic! Especially after the 13 week mark and everything was on track. Mum was obviously elated too - she was going to be a grandma at long last.
Over the course of that year mums health deteriorated and she was eventually hospitalised for the last time. I was still working and going to the hospital every day and it was taking a toll. I went to see our family doctor - the one who had sent mum to the hospital - she couldn't believe I was still working and promptly gave me the next 6 weeks off before my maternity leave started. How thankful I am for her. She is still the family doctor to this day! I spent loads of time with mum in those weeks and asked her if she wanted me to find out the sex of the baby at my next ultrasound - to which she said no because even if she's not here on this earthly plane, she will know up in heaven! The one saving grace of a loved one dying from disease is you get to say all the things you need to say to each other! You don't have time to be shy because you know time is not your friend. That's how it was for me and my mum anyway!
On the 8th of December 1993 we were all called to the hospital to say goodbye. I remember my mother absolutely struggling to breath - she was unconscious but the laboured breathing had started. We all stood around waiting and praying for God to take her - to put her out of her suffering - it was terrible. The way I remember it was my dad asking a nurse to help her because she was groaning and we didn't want her to feel any pain. The nurse came in and gave her an injection. She relaxed and eventually took her last breath. The nurses came to take all her tubes etc out while we waited outside. When they called us back into the room they had placed a halo of flowers around her head. She looked so at peace - it really was beautiful!
My father forced me to say goodbye to her though I really didn't want to at all! I'm glad he did - it's important.
Her funeral was jam packed at her church that she loved so much. I was 8 months pregnant with my first child as were a few of my besties! I'd lost the one person who could advise me. The one person who could help me. I really didn't know what I was going to do but I was going to be a mother and with the help of my friends and family I would survive. But the worst was yet to come.........
Birds and Bees
Despite the lack of sex education at my all girls catholic school (we were taught abstinence) How ridiculous! Coz you know if you tell kids not to do something of course they're going to listen hahahahahaha!
What a load of bullshit! Any one with children knows if you tell them NO - then it's like a red rag to a bull! They're gonna go and do it full speed haha!
I knew, thanks to my mum and the book she got from the library, that you could fall pregnant the first time - any time you had sex!
Yes my mother got me a book from the library to teach me about the birds and the bees. Libraries are places where books can be borrowed, for those that don’t know haha! With the introduction of the world wide web there isn’t much need for borrowing books. All the information you might need - and then some - is only a click away…..
My first introduction to periods and all this reproduction stuff came about when I was 9 or 10. I was hanging out with 2 of my friends, Carmen and Sandra, when they started talking about how women bleed once a month from there vagina!
I told them they were full of shit! I was horrified!! They were persisting that it was truth so I ran all the way home to my mother, spitting forth the vile things that these girls were declaring when my mum said “honey I think you better sit down” or something to that effect. She confirmed the horrid truth and promptly got me the book to read!
Fuck me! I am going to have to put up with bleeding once a month in order to procreate! Fuck I wanted to be a boy SO bad at that stage! All the fun and NONE of the consequences! Hhhhmmmmm! Wear a surfboard between my legs, not go swimming and go on the pill if I wanted sex with no babies!
So I went to a doctor to get the pill.
Yes I am one of those people that always thinks of the consequences of their actions - or as I like to say - smart! Bloody common sense if you ask me. There's no way I was going to lose my virginity and get lumbered with a baby!
Any way back then - yes I'm old - you had to be 16 years old to get the pill! So I lied about my age which was easy as I'm tall & went and purchased my little pack of safety. I was working as a checkout chick at KMart so had my own money. No need to lie to mum or pinch money out of her purse coz I had the cash.
Now all I needed was a guy to pluck my cherry!
I just knew I had a yearning. A desire deep down in my blood, to my core! A warmth and tingle every time I saw a boy I was attracted to - and there were plenty! Rock stars, actors and local boys - so many got my blood pumping, heart racing, wet between my legs, stomach cramping desire going crazy! I'd go crazy for Michael Jackson, JPY, DLR, Suzi Quattro, Stevie Nicks - ok so girls get me hot too - no labels if I'm attracted to someone I don't care age, sex, gender, race, count me in! But a big hard throbbing meat injection was definitely my main objective!
I used to lay in my bed and imagine what it would be like to have sex. To feel that passion! Warm breath on you, soft lips kissing hard, tongues wet and parting each other's lips!
Oh how I wanted to know what it was like - sex! Fucking! Making love! Rooting! Screwing!
I'd seen those romantic movies and I'd seen porn! Damn it looked so fucking good I had to try it! I wanted to feel a hard cock push into the wetness of my tight virgin pussy! Did it hurt the first time? Maybe it would but all those girls looked like they were loving it - I had to try! I needed to know! I wanted to orgasm like that not on my own masterbating all the time. I wanted the real thing!!!
Only problem was my boyfriend at the time wouldn't - yes WOULDN'T - have sex with me! He was 18 and I was 15 - not yet of legal age - so being the good gentleman that he was he declined my invitation to take my virginity. So I set about dropping his ass and finding someone who would do the deed!
I'm so over the inequality between women and men! I'm over inequality period!!! Between the sexes, races, genders.... Really are we all that shallow that we cannot realise that we are all the same? We all bleed & we all love & we all hurt the same! Regardless of sex, race, age, gender, religion - we are all part of this beautiful world and it's time we started loving one another and this planet we live on!
Back to my first post regarding the fact that men fuck around and they're patted on the back. Called a stud & high fived all around!
Women do the same and we are whores or sluts! I really am sick of labels! If it's right for one sex then it's fine for the other. Hell let's face it - if you are doing anything that's consensual between two adults then fuck anyone that doesn't agree with you.
What is wrong with adults doing whatever they want as long as they aren't harming anyone else? I do not understand this big brother bullshit we have going on in this country? You realise Australia is behind NZ in legalizing equal rights in marriage? Seriously??? We are behind New Zealand????
Sorry my Kiwi friends but I'm sure you understand since NZ are ahead of us! This should be such a non issue!
I was labeled a slut right back when I was 16 years old! A slut hahaha! I'd slept with 2 guys wowwwww! What a whore - seriously! I was shunned by my friends. No one would talk to me. I was locked out! And women are the worst! The way we treat each other is shameful. Whatever happened to the sisterhood? I think I need a chapter on that too.
In the end the guys in my neighbourhood started coming by. See guys get over shit. Girls are cunts and hold everything against you - they don't even try and learn the truth! Rumour is the worst. We've all heard of Chinese whispers and chicks are the best at spreading that shit!
Sometimes I wish I had a dick just to see what it was like. The power, the orgasm, to shove my cock in some bitches throat and blow my load without consequence! Hey I'm a guy, I don't get pregnant, I blow and I'm happy! Roll over and go to sleep!
What you didn't cum? But we fucked for 10 minutes hahahaha!
Yeah well there's another million blog posts right there 💋
Bullying Part 1
There were a number of times in my life that I've been bullied and they weren't all at school! Work and life come with their own sets of bullies and it really is something that needs to stop!
I was rather a chubby kid! Not only due to my genetic makeup (my whole family struggled with weight issues) but the fact that my brothers and I were asthmatics and were on loads of meds including steroids, well that really makes it hard to lose weight. My dad used to wake my brother and I at 6.30am every morning to jog around the park behind our house! How I hated those days! I never did like exercise but I do love how it changed your body and how great it makes you feel.
My mum joined Weight Watchers when I was 11 and there started my affair with weight loss - a journey that continues to this day!
There are some things that bullies do to you that affect you the rest of your life and this is one! I was in Grade 6 at St Leo's Primary School and guess what my nickname was???
No you'll never guess but it has stayed with me until this day - Ten Tonne Tessy! Thank you to the awesome person who came up with that one! I'm at a Catholic school and I'm getting bullied! Yeah those Catholics are really taught well! Maybe they should have taught us more of the New Testament instead of the old!
I especially remember the boys being so mean about it! I would love to know if any of my class mates remember? I'm sure none of them know the damage it did and how I perceived myself and probably a little, still do through their eyes then!
I remember spending many lunches on my own, hating myself and the way I looked! Desperately wanting to be the skinny cool girl instead of the fat frumpy one with half a tooth at the front! (That's another story) but a huge reason I hated my smile.
No! Bullies have no idea the damage they do and it's even worse in this day and age of the World Wide Web & the small gutless ones who sit behind a keyboard spewing forth hate - not even caring what it's doing to the person at the other end of their vile hurtful comments!
They won't understand that the saying "sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me"
ITS A BIG LIE!!!!
Because names do hurt! And they stay with you forever sometimes! Yep too bad none of my "Christian" classmates were listening at church.
My mother always said "if you have nothing nice to say the say nothing at all" and I've tried to live by that and have taught my children the same!
My kids too have been bullied and again we try to understand the reason behind why a person behaves the way they do. We know there's something going wrong at home most of the time causing them to take out their wrath on someone innocent- an easy target!
The sad thing is if everyone knew how important and beautiful they are - if love, self esteem and inner peace were taught at school the bullying I'm sure would stop! Because most of the time bullies are belittling and hurtful to someone in order to make themselves feel better and more important.
Love for each other
These are the things we should be teaching our children along with the three R's!
If we truly want to change the world then we must start with ourselves 💜
The neighbourhood I grew up in was full of boys! Being the eldest and the only girl in my family, having 2 younger brothers, I was used to dealing with testosterone filled males! Honestly I think I do have some rather male traits including great map reading, good at math and being able separate sex and love haha! Something I discovered many woman can't do!
I loved playing with their Train sets and car racing more than my stupid dolls.
Anyway I grew up in a predominantly male area. There were no girls to go and hang with so I hung with the boys.
There were 3 brothers who lived up the road and we used to play kiss chasey & truth or dare even cowboys and Indians with those guys. I'm really not sure how old I was but I was definitely under 10 and I had a huge crush on the middle boy - Colin! We used to play doctors and nurses him and I. We would sneak into the cubby house and pretend to fix each other haha. We must've known it wasn't quiet right to be looking at each other's bits because we always did it in hiding haha. Scared to get caught with our pants down. Maybe that's why the thrill of maybe getting caught is so exciting and adds to the pleasure of sexual exploits - that adrenaline rush......
As we grew older we did steal a few simple kisses - no huge pashes or anything (not even any tongue) but my heart used to quicken when I saw him and that sick feeling and realization of something new & strange stirring in my stomach and loins.
Haha oh the innocence and joy of those summer days and nights. Before life got complicated and all you had to worry about was getting home quickly when the street lights went on so as not to get into trouble.
No mobile phones!
Just young bodies blossoming and pumping with hormones.....
Where do I begin.....
I really do not know where it all began? How do you pinpoint a time in your life where you understood? Where you knew what you were doing and feeling was sexual? Because I didn't realize at 11 years old that what I was doing was having an orgasm. I just knew it felt good! That rubbing my vagina - my clit really - on the bars that surrounded the play ground or on the corner of the bathroom bench top was sexual! I just knew it felt real good and took me to a place that I later found out was ecstasy.
I remember being aroused by the thought of boys. The girl across the road was blonde and maybe 10. We used to pretend we were girlfriend and boyfriend. I was the boy hahaha I was always the boy! Even at dance classes because I was so tall I was the boy but I do think I definitely have male tendencies. Either way I was the boy in our little roll play and we would kiss and caress each other - fully clothed mind you - and pretend we were making love. Not that we really knew what that was but we'd seen movies and television. Kissing each other with her on top. Grinding against each other until I reached climax. Not that I knew it was an orgasm then - I just knew what we did felt good. I don't know if she cum or not. I assume it felt good for her because we kept doing it! Week after week. I don't know for how many weeks but it's a blissful memory to me now and obviously now I know what all those feelings were! But did everyone feel that way at 11 years old. Does everyone have a sexual awakening that early?
From what I've learnt over my 50 odd years - no they don't! Or they're too afraid to voice it. I know we all have different pleasures and very different libidos which is sad because it's really what causes a lot of trauma in relationships but it goes beyond sex! Are we really meant to be monogamous or is it a rule put on society by religion or man to keep women in their place as mother, nurturer, posession?
I've always felt that men are applauded for their sexual exploits but women are vilified! Men are slapped on the back "good on ya buddy" it's expected! Women are just called sluts - whores!! For what? Doing exactly what a man does! Why?